Hinata stared up at his ceiling. Downstairs in the kitchen, the clattering of pots on a Saturday morning. Natsu’s high-pitched voice.

Hinata hugged himself across his chest. How was it possible? It felt like his heart was a universe. There had been a big bang, an explosion, and then suddenly everything had come into being. It was crazy. It was strange. In this universe, there were stars and planets, moons and suns –  some big, bright, fiery, demanding and others cool, calm, quiet and in the background. But how? How to deal with this universe if he was god?

These planets didn’t align, some of them shouldn’t even be here, some  didn’t make sense… others seemed to contradict, or be two of the same  thing… And it wasn’t like this universe had happened over night. Oh no. If Hinata had to pinpoint a time he would link it back to the earthquake… That was when this firing of new feelings had begun, starting with Oikawa… The only difference was that now he had zoomed out enough, enough had happened, to make Hinata realise that his emotions were as unformed, vast and complicated as a newly birthed universe.

Hinata closed his eyes. And went back to last night.

He had gone to Kageyama’s.

By some pleading, and some negotiation he had been able to be allowed to go to the setter’s after school on a Friday night in exchange for a full day of study on Sunday. His mom was more than happy with the bargain.

For the most part, it was pretty much the same as last time: after practice, they’d gone back to Kageyama’s house and his mom had made them an amazing dinner. Kageyama seemed a lot more talkative this time and at one point his dad even came downstairs with a walking stick and a bandaged leg. Hinata spoke to him briefly as they discussed the suddenness of the earthquake before both of Kageyama’s parents went upstairs to bed.

‘Hey do you want some cola or some snacks?’ Kageyama asked, while they were both in the kitchen.

‘Cola would be nice but I think I’m too full for snacks -’

‘Ice?’

‘Sure.’

Hinata watched as Kageyama made him a drink. It was a simple act, sure, and Hinata wasn’t sure why but he felt moved by it. Kageyama just didn’t seem the type to do this kind of thing for anyone.

‘Here.’

‘Thanks.’

‘D-do you wanna watch a movie or a series? Or play games?’

Kageyama seemed… excited, for some reason, and nervous.

‘We can play something?’ Hinata suggested.

‘My Nintendo Switch is connected to the TV. I have Super Smash Bros Ultimate -’

‘Yeah sure.’

Hinata followed Kageyama into the dark living room. Kageyama left the light off as he switched the TV on and grabbed the Switch from the couch. A talk show was on mute, the hosts standing in front of a white screen and the light from the TV was sufficient to brighten some of the room. Hinata put his drink down on the floor by the side of the sofa.

‘Kageyama?’

‘Yeah?’ he responded, switching the Switch on, not looking up.

‘Are you OK?’

Kageyama stopped what he was doing. But he didn’t raise his gaze. The flicker of the TV screen shone on his silky blue-black hair.

‘You seem…’ Hinata cast his mind around for the right word. ‘I don’t know. Different, today. In a good way. You seem more lively and just…  happy, I guess.’

Kageyama finally looked up. He put the Switch back down. In two strides he reached Hinata and pulled him into a hug. The unexpected act stunned Hinata making him immobile: it was just like last Sunday after the match when Kageyama had hugged him. But this time, even with Kageyama’s current energy, it felt calmer.

Hinata’s heart did a backflip. Sweat mingled with that woody scent. They were both still in their volleyball uniforms.

‘I’m just really pleased,’ Kageyama said quietly, ‘that you could come over today.’

That was all. That was it. One crumb of kindness – it set Hinata off.  He started to cry. He took in a sharp breath and Kageyama realised. Gently, Kageyama pulled away.

‘What’s wrong?’ Concern etched itself on the setter’s face as his hands delicately held his spiker’s shoulders.

Hinata’s lips trembled. Those large luminous eyes looked up at Kageyama and Kageyama couldn’t help it – he brought Hinata to him again, hugging him tightly as Hinata felt the weight of the week finally crush him, the boulder he’d silently been carrying since Monday had finally won, and Hinata surrendered.

Kageyama, Suga, Iwaizumi, his mother, his grades, practice, the team –  everything was like slab upon slab being added on top of the boulder he’d carried all week, the boulder which had kept increasing in size day by day: the boulder caused by Oikawa’s silence.

Everyone was constantly telling him what to do, what not to do, and Kageyama too was guilty of that but just now, for the first time this  week, Kageyama’s words were the first ounce of comfort he had felt since he’d last left Oikawa’s embrace. Anxiety, nausea, worry, fear,  jealousy… an orchestra of emotions Hinata had never felt rang through him every time his mind went towards a certain setter, which, was pretty much all the time. And like ghosts with unfinished business these feelings haunted him day and night, first thing in the morning, on his bike ride into school, in lessons, in-between lessons, every time he checked his phone, during practice, on his ride home and in his room. He could not switch off the movie in his mind showing a variety of different scenarios of Oikawa, each one more violent or explicit than  the one before… Oikawa’s disappearance, his lack of communication, only  gave way to ghouls and demons in Hinata’s mind. And the core of the  centre of the boulder was one question and one question only: why?

He had not uttered a word to anyone and could not for fear of their reaction, judgment and verdict. Hinata knew, fully opening up about this would land him another lap of You Should Do This. And the only person  he wanted to talk to, that he felt like he could fully open up with, was the one person who had caused all this misery in the first place…

And right now, even if he couldn’t detoxify himself, he’d still been offered a blanket of comfort – a hug.

Hinata raised his arms, and hugged Kageyama back. He wept into the embrace, releasing everything he had held for the past five days, all the words he couldn’t say.

Kageyama could feel it in his veins – it’s over. Whatever it is, whatever’s happened, I’m sure this is to do with Oikawa… it’s ended. He’s returned to me. Because he is my spiker.

Kageyama rested his head against Hinata’s as the little crow shook and sobbed.

‘You’re better without him,’ Kageyama said.

Sniffing, Hinata released Kageyama and looked up at him. ‘Huh?’

‘This is… this is probably about Oikawa, isn’t it?’ Kageyama muttered, not meeting the spiker’s eyes. ‘But… just know that. I’m here for you.’

Kageyama forced himself to look at that angelic weeping face. A heartbeat. Suddenly. Hinata hugged him again, tighter this time.

‘Thank you,’ Hinata whispered and Kageyama felt it light up his entire being.

Kageyama’s heart throbbed in his chest and he rested a hand on that ginger hair. Hinata was hugging him. Properly now. Not running away. Not pushing him off. Kageyama felt what defences he had up slowly fall down.

‘This means a lot to me,’ Hinata shakily breathed, the side of his face against Kageyama’s chest.

‘It – it means a lot to me too,’ Kageyama swallowed, blood pounding in his ears, his heart beating like a tribal drum, emotions surging through his veins. ‘I told you… I care for you. Regardless of… anything  else.’

Even when I was making friends with his enemy, Hinata thought, he’s still trying.

‘I didn’t realise,’ Hinata mumbled, ‘how you felt, Kageyama. I’m sorry.’

Kageyama scraped Hinata’s hair back, pulling the spiker’s face up. Hinata stared into those ocean eyes. The flicker of the TV. The dark room. The moment. That hook behind Kageyama’s navel sharply pulled him –

Kageyama pressed his lips against Hinata’s.

Hinata’s heart and mind exploded into a thousand pieces like fireworks. Kageyama wrapped his arms around his spiker, closing his eyes, as all the protective layers of his shell, all pretence, fell off.

At last.

He was free.

There it was – everything before Hinata – in colours, lights, sounds and pieces – nothing made sense and yet, it made perfect sense, it didn’t even feel strange or weird or wrong, no – it felt like this moment was always coming and now it was here. Under their bickering, the pointless squabbles, stripping away layer upon layer of false communication, for this. 

Everything dazzled. Everything was a blur. Hinata closed his eyes. Still, somewhere deep inside of him, a pain in  his heart…

Kageyama opened his mouth and ardently pressed himself against Hinata. His heart was on tenterhooks – any moment, he knew, this could stop, it could end but to his astonishment –

He’s kissing me back.

Kageyama’s hands hungrily went to Hinata’s hair as the little crow kissed him, the tears transferring from number ten’s cheeks onto number nine’s. Hinata’s lips were careful, soft, a contrast to the forceful, desperate reaction he was getting from Kageyama, so different from –

Oikawa.

A dart pierced Hinata’s heart.

Kageyama’s hands dragged down across Hinata’s chest as his kisses increased in fervency, so much so that Hinata had to push back against them to stop the setter from bending the spiker backwards. Kageyama’s hands moved searchingly across Hinata’s body – chest, waist, arms, shoulders, neck – as his fingertips savoured the feelings of reality to replace his imagination.

Hinata could not stop his brain – he saw brown eyes instead of blue, remembered scarred hands instead of intact ones – he craved slow, torturous kisses along his neck and that confident smirk that thrilled and terrified him… Before Hinata realised it, the back of his calves had hit the sofa.

Kageyama pushed Hinata down. The setter whipped off his shirt and quickly returned his lips to the spiker’s, moaning as he did so. He climbed on top of Hinata, constantly kissing him, not wanting to create a break of contact between them for even a second. Kageyama’s hand touched between Hinata’s legs.

I bit you, Oikawa’s voice said, I marked you. As mine.

Kageyama then roughly grabbed one of Hinata’s hands and rubbed it against his dick over his shorts. The setter inhaled sharply.

Oikawa’s smile.

Kageyama continued kissing Hinata, on top of the spiker, and rubbing himself with Hinata’s hand.

Oikawa’s warmth.

Hinata felt a dagger rip through his heart.

Oikawa’s scent.

Kageyama lowered his weight on Hinata, front to front, and grinded himself against the spiker.

Oikawa’s care.

Kageyama grabbed one side of Hinata’s shorts and pulled down –

‘Stop.’

A perfect hand greedily grabbed the flesh at Hinata’s butt, Kageyama moving to his own rhythm, sucking in air. Kageyama’s hand then stroked that delicate skin, moving his hand towards –

‘I said stop! Get off me!’ Hinata pushed against Kageyama’s chest.

The setter froze, breathless. Hinata wriggled and slid out from under him, pulling his shorts up, falling but landing, perfectly on his feet. Kageyama’s eyes were ravenous as he stared at Hinata, hovering above the space where the spiker was a second ago, Hinata’s imprint on the cushions.

‘Why? What is it?’ Kageyama panted, like a hungry leopard.

Hinata couldn’t help it. Despite the absence, despite hearing nothing for a week, despite all his wild imaginings of Seijoh’s captain with girl and boys, Hinata couldn’t betray Oikawa. Even though, they weren’t even –

‘It’s him, isn’t it?’ Kageyama’s eyes changed, from hunger to anger.

Hinata looked away, at his cola on the floor. The ice had completely melted.

‘What has he brainwashed you into thinking you can’t be with anyone but him?’

‘No! It’s not like that -’

‘What then are you dating him?’

‘No,’ Hinata blushed, shaking his head.

But, Kageyama noted with a pang in his heart, he looks and sounds sad –

‘You want to date him,’ Kageyama whispered, and no sooner had he said it, he knew that it was true.

‘No,’ Hinata muttered to the ground but even the crow knew how weak his ‘no’ was.

Kageyama felt like a wrecking ball had collided with his stomach.  ‘But he doesn’t want to date you,’ he whispered, as nausea flooded into the setter. All this time… I never even considered…

Hinata screwed up his eyes and shook his head. ‘It’s more complicated than that… it’s not like that -’

‘You keep saying “it’s not like that, it’s not like that” like a broken record but then what is it like?!’ Kageyama shouted.

But the spiker didn’t lift his gaze to his setter.

Kageyama inhaled, frustrated. ‘So is he like using you like a toy?’

‘No!’ Hinata’s eyes snapped up. ‘It’s -’

‘It’s not like that, yeah, we get it so I’m trying to figure out what  it is like – you’re using him? He’s letting you use him and in return he does things to you -’

‘Stop making it sound like that!’

‘Sound like what?’

‘Sound disgusting and cheap -’

‘So it’s true?’

‘No it’s not true!’

‘Then what the hell is going on?! I know Oikawa’s left his mark on you – I saw it! – it’s still there on your chest! What has he done to  you? What does he make you do -?’

‘Nothing! OK! Nothing! He hasn’t “done” anything to me -’

‘Then what do you do when you’re together? See! You’re blushing! Are you lying -?’

‘I’m not lying, Kageyama! We’ve only kissed and-and touched each other…’

Kageyama stared. The disappointment in Hinata was evident. Kageyama felt his blood drain out of his feet. He felt the air chill the perspiration on his bare skin yet there was no oxygen in the room. He couldn’t breathe. His lungs were made of lead and soon his entire body would cave in on itself. The final piece. What Kageyama had tossed and turned and laboriously hounded himself with, questions and questions and more questions, finally had an answer as unclouded as first light on a clear morning:

‘Are you in love with him?’

A pause.

Kageyama felt the gap between them, as wide and unreachable as two opposite sides of the Himalayas.

Hinata’s eyes grew wide, terrified, confused.

In love?

Love?

‘What?’ Hinata breathed.

‘Answer the damn question!’

‘No, of course not! I’m not – I’m not in love with Oikawa,’ Hinata laughed, a strange hollow sound.

Kageyama closed his eyes. What was that noise? It was like the splintering of glass except it was inside of him. What was this, this feeling? It was like losing a game except a thousand times worse. It was like being told that he could never play volleyball ever again. Oikawa’s face surfaced in Kageyama’s mind – that indecent, repulsive smirk – that motherfucker had taken Hinata from him, one more thing Oikawa had beaten him in –

No.

I’m not losing.

‘He’ll use you. You know that right?’ Kageyama opened his eyes. Behind Hinata, the light from the TV screen silhouetted the spiker but Kageyama could still see that irresistible face. ‘Clearly he’s already done something to make you upset, that’s why you’ve been weird all week, isn’t it? You’ve got your hopes caught up in something that isn’t going to happen -’

‘Shut up!’

‘And now you finally feel it, right? Now you realise? He’ll only hurt you in the end -’

‘I said shut up -!’

Hinata lunged at Kageyama as if to hit him but the setter caught that frail arm and they struggled, Hinata, standing, beating down on the  setter who was on the sofa. Hinata flew his other palm – but Kageyama caught that too – suddenly the setter sprang up and locked his lips against the spiker’s in a rough and hard kiss – Hinata pushed off from the setter, jumping back.

‘You don’t owe him anything! You said so yourself he doesn’t want to be with you! I’m right here and you know this feels right because I feel it too. I always knew that he would chew you up and spit you out and it’s better if you leave him now before anything’s happened -’

SMACK!

Hinata’s palm had collided with the side of Kageyama’s cheek with the force of a spike. The setter stumbled across the sofa, astounded.

‘Stop it.’

Hinata was shaking. From rage – from anyone saying a single bad word  against the setter he belonged to. From fear – that little devious voice  inside his head that had nodded in agreement to everything Kageyama had said, someone else having vocalised his deepest darkest fears. Hinata  knew he was still in the dark. And he would continue to be so until he had seen Oikawa. Also, what Kageyama had said about this feeling right.  He wasn’t wrong… But –

Hinata walked to the front door.

‘Hinata!’

Kageyama fumbled and grabbed his volleyball shirt but by the time he’d whipped it back on the spiker already had his shoes on and had opened the front door. Kageyama sprinted after him and reached the threshold fast enough to grab Hinata’s wrist but the middle blocker ripped it out of his reach without even turning to look at the setter. Kageyama felt his heart snap in two.

‘Hinata. Please.’

Out on the street, Hinata froze from the tangible heartbreak in Kageyama’s voice. No matter what craziness had just ensued, Kageyama was still a friend… if not his best friend. He turned and felt the pain even more when he saw the despair in Kageyama’s eyes.

‘Everything you say about Oikawa. You know it can be applied to you too, right?’

Kageyama’s forehead creased. What did he mean?

‘Hinata, please stay. Let’s talk -’

But by now Kageyama was used to the gut-wrenching sight of watching the one person he cared for most out of everyone in the entire universe, cycle away from him.